This is a post I have been mulling over for several weeks. It's one of those things that, when it happened, I thought "There is a blog post in this." But it was Christmas time, and I had so much going on, and not enough time to sit and think and form a response that I could write about. So here I am, weeks later, sharing this with you.
I posted about Banana's dance class observation last month. Well, that day a mom said something to me that just didn't sit right with me. As I was walking across the studio parking lot, on my way to observe one of Banana's classes, another mom was pulling out of the lot. This mom's daughter is in Banana's classes. They are good friends, and I know the mom well. I asked if she was going to stay for class. Her response was, "No, I wanted to, but Sally Sue (not her real name of course) doesn't want me to." Sally Sue's mom seemed completely unfazed by this. No big deal.
I, on the other hand, was appalled! First, since when is a 10 year old allowed to decide what mom will or will not do?? Why should she even be allowed to do that? "She told me not to, so I'm not going to." Are you kidding me? As a mom, it is my right to watch my daughters' classes. Not only that, but it is my privilege and my joy. Even if Banana didn't want me in there, I would be there. She doesn't get a vote, especially at this age. Besides all of that, I write the check. But Sally Sue's mom just drove away, with not a care in the world.
It broke my heart. Really, it did. And it made me think. If a 10 year old is allowed to dictate whether or not mom observes her dance class, then what will that 10 year old be allowed to dictate in a few years. At 12, will she be allowed to tell mom that she likes Johnny and is going to go to the movies with him? At 15 will she tell mom that she is going to stay out as late as she pleases because she doesn't want a curfew. Will she be allowed to tell mom she doesn't want to go to church? What else? What next? These are general questions. I am not saying that this particular child is going down a road to destruction, but seriously, what's next? Is mom going to wake up one day and wonder why she knows nothing at all about her daughter's life? Who is she chatting with online? Who is she texting with? (Of course, the question of why her 10 year old has a cell phone at all is a completely different post.)
Most of my life revolves around kids...my kids, my friends' kids, and the teenagers at church. One of the saddest things I see among teenagers is conflict with their parents, and the lack of discipline and direction. I hear mom's complain that they "just can't get them to do anything!" Maybe, it's because they have been taught, since they were little, that they get to choose.
Now, I am not saying that our children shouldn't be allowed to make some decisions. Part of the growing up process is learning to make choices. That isn't the same thing, however, as being allowed to dictate everything. And there is the aspect of age appropriateness. I also understand that there are some kids out there who are more rebellious than others. I know some very good parents who struggle with their kids' rebelliousness. But all in all, so many kids are allowed to dictate what they will and won't do, where they will and won't go, and on and on. And so many parents just sit back and smile and say, "Well, she didn't want to so..."
I just want to shake them and remind them..."You are the PARENT!"
7 comments:
ooooo...you said a mouthful!!
and i agree with every single word.
mamas and daddies should make the decisions. kids aren't capable yet...maybe that's why God put them in a family with PARENTS.
As a parent and a pediatrician I agree with you 100%!!!!!! Parents need to be a constant presence in their childrens lives - observing and giving them firm boundaries. There is a direct correlation between parental presence and the positive choices that children will make later in life. Oh I could go on with you on your soap box!!!! And the whole cell phone thing - ahhhhhh!!!!!
So, tell us how you really feel!
I do understand exactly what you are saying. A 10 year-old SHOULD not dictate to the mom. But I have to wonder, did mom want to be there? I think not or she would have stayed regardless of her child's opinion.
Paul, who is 16, can't believe that I do things like... call parents to check on him and give him curfews. He claims it appears that *we* don't trust him. LOL I trust him but I also know that 16 is an impressionable age and he's not as smart and wise as he might THINK that he is.
That incident is just sad.
I am a parent who loves to attend too - it makes me just sick to miss anything. Literally sick. Sometimes I watch them brush their teeth just because I can.
But I do offer this - sometimes there are things going on behind the scenes that we just don't know about. I had a friend who was going through so many things that she just could not make her son's baseball games or practices. It broke her heart - but with four children, a very sick infant, an ailing mother-in-law, and husband who traveled constantly - well, there was only so much she could do. Her son is actually very mature and sincerely let her off the hook. He was so happy that she was able to focus on him long enough to get him to practice that he forgave her not being able to attend. Yes, heartbreaking - but reality sometimes.
She finally made it to a game and overheard this (no one recognized her because she had been to nothing)- I just feel so bad for that child - his parents never come to anything. It's just awful. Harsh words for a mother to overhear. Especially a mother already saddled with tremendous guilt.
But, no one reached out to her to offer to bring her son to games or cook her a meal or even just listen to what she was going through. They just assumed she was awful and inattentive. That almost put her over the edge. She was literally breaking and this did not help.
It could be that this parent you mention is in fact simply inattentive. But just in case..........
Hi "E"! Thanks for commenting! I'm glad to know you're "here". You are right, sometimes there are things that cause parents to seem uninvolved when they really just can't do any more. I know some of them. They certainly aren't the ones I'm talking about here. In this case, I know the mom, and the situation. The parents I am frustrated with are the ones who are simply disengaged.
Keep reading! I appreciate the comments!
Hi J - it's fun keeping up with you in blog world! YOur family is beautiful!
AMEN.
One thing that always struck me about your girls is how confident and RESPECTFUL they are. I didn't realize that was a rariety until I met...other kids.
Your girls are growing up to be godly young women because of this very thing that you just posted about. YOU ARE BEING A MOM.
I could jump on the soap box with you ;)
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